IT'S LIKE BIRTH CONTROL FOR $8.50!

OK, so let's be serious for a moment. "Knocked Up" is pretty much the most unrealistic movie of the summer. In my humble opinion, it's far more likely that you'd see a couple of ogres and a donkey chatting it up in a swamp than a rising entertainment journalist risk scrapping her career for a ten-pound red-faced screaming blob, drunkenly conceived with the sperm of a complete stranger.

Don't have health insurance? Don't feel like spending a few bucks on condoms? Then I strongly encourage you all to go see "Knocked Up" - the nation's newest and most effective form of birth control! Once you witness the vag shot (twice!!!!) during the birth scene, you'll swear off sex for days!

The Best Season Finales of 2007

Now that we've had sufficient time to digest all of the great Season Finales of this year, it's time to reflect on the really REALLY good ones.

5) ER
Stamos, Stamos, Stamos. You god-like practitioner of television medicine. You may have lost your girlfriend and your sort-of-but-not-really daughter, but you haven't lost your rugged good looks or your rock-star, badass charm.

4) Grey's Anatomy
OK, so the finale wasn't actually that great but this episode gets kudos for one solid reason: Sandra Oh's screaming fit, sans eyebrows. Hott.

3) Friday Night Lights
Despite my bias for this show, the season finale was killer. Tami is preggers! This should surely trick my friend Mark, who has a thing for hot moms, into watching next season! And raise your hand if you cried at the end when adorable little Matt Saracen started clapping for Coach Taylor!....!...?...just me???

2) LOST
Charlie died, but a series was resurrected. Way to take one for the team, Charlie! And CHELLO - a flash-forward? Genius! My friend Matt even made us a case of Dharma Initiative Beer - you can do it too if you have too much time on your hands like we do! Check it out at http://www.lostblog.net/lost/tv/show/create-your-own-dharma-initiative-rations




1) The Bachelor
Watching that chunk-o-hunk Andy dump that bitch Bevin was wholly satisfying. Seriously. Bevin was a whiny little beyotch and Tessa is a Golden Queen.

How do you 'Doo?

OK, so I haven't written a post in... forever. My apologies. But ladies, I know I'll be forgiven when you find out why I was M.I.A. for a few weeks...

I had a hair emergency. A serious one.

I've ALWAYS been good with a box of dye. ALWAYS. Which is why I cannot figure out how my L'Oreal "Golden Blonde" highlights turned into "Bright Yellow Polka Dots" a few Thursday nights ago. I was in shock for a good couple of weeks. Hence, neglecting the blog.

So I did what any Shell-Shocked Dye Addict would do and I decided to go for a blond all-over permanent color. That didn't help much.

George tried to make me feel better by licking my left eyebrow.

But in the face of dried-up, multicolored locks, I have muddled through mourning my sexy, dark vixen-like hair and decided to come back and blog for you again!

YAAAAAAAAY!

Bitchin' Belle

2 weekends ago I went to Disneyland with my friend Annie, and I was reminded of why Belle is easily the greatest Disney Princess ever. She should be a role model for little girls all over the globe, who dream of one day finding their very own Prince Charming.

She gave the ugly guy a chance!

Seriously. Belle said yes to a date with a pretty homely fella. And look at all the cool shit she got out of it - a castle, a bunch of maids and servants and flunkies, probably a pimped-out carriage too. AND the Beast got her that hott yellow dress! Michelle Williams was so jelly that she copied it on the red carpet!

Sex In The Other City

So, I have a boyfriend. His name is George. This is him:


Look closely enough and you'll notice that the teddy bear on his sweatshirt was done with a Bedazzler. I know, I know. He's basically a sex god.

We are each other's first relationship. It's kind of like the blind leading the blind. And it's been this way for 7 glorious months. I think that 7 months is the best point in a relationship. You're learning little details about the person, things you never knew. Weird stuff. But it's still early enough in the course of your courtship that it's endearing.

I bring this up only because the other day, I noticed that George recites rap lyrics while he goes to the bathroom.

What a stud.

Give Me Your Hungry, Your Poor, Your College Graduates Yearning To Make TV...

Don't give in to the images you see on TV about who lives in Hollywood. Sure, shows like Entourage and The Hills show pretty people, frolicking through stacks of Benjamins, clad in Prada and Gucci. What you DON'T see are the PA's, Assistants, and interns, working 75 hours a week just to make a buck, barely able to scrape together the monthly rent, most of us without health insurance.

But fear not! I've found the Secret to Successfully Living On $400 A Week In L.A.! Now, we all know that, when faced with spending cutbacks, most twenty-something balk at the very thought of slowing down the flow of booze. I mean, logically, we can't cut down on our bar spending. How do you think we make it through those work weeks? And clearly we can't cut down on shopping for new clothes. In this town, the clothes make the (wo)man. So what do we stop spending on?

Food.

That's right, our most basic survival staple. Ask any college-grad-turned-resident-of-LA and they will confirm. So in an effort to stop my friends from looking like our buddy Nicole Richie, I have compiled 3 great tips for eating on the cheap in the LA area. ENJOY!

1) Taco Tuesday at El Torito
They serve up $1 tacos from 6-8:30pm. And Tacos, as we all know, pretty much cover every food group - Protein, Dairy, Bread, Vegetables, and Sour Cream. That's basically a WHOLE MEAL for $4!

2) The 99 Cent Breakfast at Ikea
Sounds suspicious? It tastes that way too. But who cares? IT'S 99 CENTS! WOOT! Be sure to enjoy it in the comfort of one of their livingroom setups. Mmmmm, feels like home - only cheaper.

...and while you're there...

3) Pick Up a 2,867 Piece Swedish Tupperware Kit for $4.99
The great thing about L.A. is that, 99.8% of the time, they'll cut you some slack in the form of a free meal. A C-list, no-budget horror film may not have the money to make a bloody knife-weilding alien look realistic, but they'll throw down for a sizable feast for the crew. Bring along some tupperware! This kit comes with it all! You'll have enough food to last you a week!

Be Kind To Kelly!

OK, so she got a little chubby.

And fine, her new album is getting trashed by everyone from Perez to her producer.

But heed my cry, BE KIND TO KELLY CLARKSON!



Have we forgotten that this is the stunning starlette that brought us the movie blockbuster "From Justin To Kelly"? Do we fail to remember how we cried during "Because of You", or felt empowered by "Behind These Hazel Eyes"? Do we not appreciate the sense of freedom and independence we got from "Breakaway"? Why are we so quick to throw away all of the times we got drunk and sang "Since You Been Gone" at the top of our lungs on two-for-one night at Moonies?

We all go through rough times in our lives. In 7th grade, I wore purple colored bands on my braces and thought I was trendy. Here in Hollywood, I would have never lived that down.

So I ask, in the famous words of Miss Clarkson herself, have YOU ever been low? Yes, yes we all have. And Kelly, we forgive you.